This is the story of how I tried to save a Man.
I think it’s called co-dependency, and Jesus, does it hurt. I was one of those women who love too much, who think their selflessness will save others, who believe that by dissolving their desires and their own existence to the minimum requirements for survival, the world will be a better place.
I’ve been working hard to recover, and as any other addiction, this is not something you just get rid off. It’s a condition to live with throughout all of your life, but definitely something that can stay under control with a good set of tools, commitment and consistency.
A few years ago my need to be the rescuer was so bad that I truly thought I didn’t even deserve the air I breathed. My house was full of cats and dogs that I’d pick up from the street, I wasn’t able to charge for any work I did, I always volunteered to do more than I could actually handle. I didn’t know how to say ‘NO’ and of course, I’d still complain about how tired I was and how insensitive everyone else were for asking me to do stuff for them. Things were just insanely out of my reach, the funny thing is I thought everything was perfectly under control.
Around those days, I met him. He seemed to really need me, he was perfect! I could see he had never let anyone love him before, his wall was tall and thick, I knew I was going to save him and he would adore me for that, marry me and we’d live happily ever after.
So first things first, he needed a good life purpose. I encouraged him to start his own business just as I had done a few years before, and I of course had all the plan for him ready to go. I’d build him a website, get him some business cards, show him how to do social media ads and he would succeed. So that was my first crash, I did my part and he never committed on his. That made me think I was pushing too hard, and I convinced myself that I was such an insensitive horrible person because I didn’t realize he needed to fix his heart firstly, then he would be able to commit to his life purpose. And there I went again, gifting him books I thought he should read, inviting him to attend workshops with me, encouraging him to expand and heal. I thought I was the most wonderful and loving woman in the world for that, and that he just didn’t see it. I couldn’t believe he just couldn’t see how lucky he was to have me, someone who knew exactly what he needed to be happy.
Co-dependency sucks, my dears. I don’t know if you’ve ever been stuck in a situation like that, but I honestly do not wish this hell to anybody. As I write these words I can see how freaking sick I was, and I swear that I didn’t have the least minimum clue then. No wonder why he kept running away from me, but interesting enough, he would always end up coming back after a few days, weeks, or months. I ended up learning the routine. But the first times he disappeared it was unbearable, I couldn’t stop blaming myself for losing him. I kept saying to myself I had been really bad, that I had not loved him enough, that I had been too selfish, that I had been a terrible human being and that’s why he had dumped me. As the situation kept repeating itself, I just learned to wait for him to come back, with more and more certainty that he would return each and each time, because in my head he perfectly knew I was just trying to help him and he should benefit from that. The lucky thing for me was that during the times he went away I had to distract myself to not become anxious till he showed up again, and by the grace of GOD, my distractions became my salvation. First I started looking for books to help me help him, and the universe sent me exactly the information I needed to help myself (and that of course is the only direct way in which we can support others). I also started doing yoga, and meditating, because I wanted to become a good human being so that he could love me and stay. I started losing weight for the same reason. It’s funny because I thought I was doing all these things for him, however, these little doses of self-healing started adding up and opening my eyes to the fact that I needed to get help for myself. That’s when I started investing in therapy and coaching.
Often the worst of circumstances have a gift to offer. I will not lie, this pain made me grow and I’m really grateful to it now, but honestly that period of my life has been one of the most unbearable experiences I’ve ever gone through. Especially by the time I realized I had a problem, there were times when I just wanted to die. He’d leave, I’d get drunk to soothe the pain, promise myself I was going to get out of the rat hole, then he’d be back and I’d do it over and over again. I couldn’t stop hurting myself and I couldn’t stop hurting him by letting him hurt me.
It takes two people to get caught in a vicious cycle, but it takes at least one of them to break it. Thank God I was able to stop. For me, for him, for us. I never pictured myself writing these lines, feeling so free after all. But I must confess there’s still a lot of trauma in my body. I’m still afraid to hurt myself again and/or that someone else might try to hurt me and I’ll let them. I know it’s part of the recovery process and starting to take responsible risks like wisely meeting new people and carefully opening up to the possibility of creating a healthy relationship is eventually giving me more and more confidence. Also serving others who’re trapped in similar situations as I was a few years ago, helps me continue with my own healing process.
So please, if you ever find yourself urging to ‘save someone’ or around someone who’s determined to ‘save you’ and you’re unconsciously letting them try, reach out for help immediately. Do not fool yourself saying you can fix it on your own. Do not let precious time and energy slip you by. Get help! Do it for them, do it for you. There’s no other way out and YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A FREE FULFILLING LIFE. You have the right to be happy, to feel worthy, to be blissful, to enjoy yourself and your relationships. You are entitled to the greatness of this world, do not sell it cheap or exchange it for a few hours of good sex, some human company, and/or the toxic high of destructive liaisons.
With love & respect,
MaLe Corona <3
PS. If you feel called to getting some support from me, please do not hesitate on contacting me by clicking here.
