Let’s get vulnerable, babes. This might as well become my least favorite, yet more practiced self-development sport during this lifetime. Honestly, nobody likes to talk about their inadequacies, right? But I have figured out that something magical happens when we do. First, we kind of liberate ourselves from their burden (but I most admit it’s only after going through a super painful process of crushing the ego every time we expose our rawness); second, we give other people the awareness that they’re not alone and we grant them permission to release their own wounds.
For many years I went over this non-logical painful fact about myself, I mean, how could I be so sexy and smart and yet… very single? For the most part I blamed myself, I thought there had to be something terribly wrong with me… was it my weight, my face, my style, was it my education, my preferences, the way I talked, WTF!…. The least times I kind of blamed it on others, “people are just too stupid to value someone as great as me” I thought, but five minutes after that idea popped into my head, I’d drag myself back down to the conclusion that I was just not enough for anybody to truly love me. For many years I tried to figure it out, I tried to listen to what people I cared about expected from me and accordingly, I changed many things about myself hoping that maybe this time I’d get it right. But, nope, it never worked. Finally, I grew tired… exhausted… til one day, I just quit trying.
In recent years, this is what I’ve understood about it: while I was trying to find an external reason why I couldn’t be fully loved, my inadequacies never lied on my body, or my looks, not even my personality, much least my resume. It all came from a deep inner wound, which took the form of an intangible energy that I was putting out there to build a wall against intimacy.
Most of us have heard we carry trauma from childhood, but I guess most of us also underestimate its impact on our lives. Furthermore, our trauma is not only the responsibility of our imperfect parents, but the whole societal defective value system’s. In my case, my masculine and feminine lineages generous inheritance has been several suitcases of helpless victimhood, silent resentment with the potential of turning into bursts of angry verbal abuse, and a whole pack of shame and self-hatred. No wonder why the life of a sexy, smart, healthy, young, no kids, never married dream-like woman who’s secretly carrying all that weight can turn into a forever-single curse. Now it’s clear to me that no matter how much energy I’d put on fixing my hair or doing my make-up before going out on a date, it just wouldn’t be enough to overwrite the energy of such negative emotional baggage. In the end, at an unconscious level, people don’t feel magnetized to bodies or minds, but to energies. So I’d either repel the healthier candidates or attract the most perfect sick matches to play out horror stories together.
I don’t know how long it will take to heal my relational wounds; honestly, at this point I don’t even know if they will ever heal at all. But I feel that at least I have to keep trying to do so, not as goal to become good enough for someone else to love me, but as an act of self and universal love. I know I deserve to be emotionally free, we all do; I believe it’s our birthright to live with a sense of peace and wholeness. And it’s definitely not our fault if we are not experiencing it right now, but it is in fact our responsibility –and our free choice– to do something about it.
Sometimes I fear that the more I work on becoming a better and more authentic version of myself, the harder it will get to find someone to build a healthy relationship with, simply because sometimes I get the feeling that not a lot of people take their own healing seriously. But at the same time, I’m certain that I’d rather stay on my healthy own than conform with a lesser relational experience, and above all I can’t stand the idea of passing down the hurt of anti-relational wounds. I have made the commitment that if for any reason I don’t make it to build a truly loving romantic relationship as my legacy in this lifetime, I at least want to contribute somehow, by sharing my solo experience with the next generations so that they don’t have to go through the same pain of not knowing how to open up, be intimate, connect and commune with others.
On the other hand, I hold the vision for myself –and for every single person doing their own deep healing work–, that maybe out there among the seven billion people or so who live in this planet, I could meet a man who just like me is trying hard to heal, and who has also set a high bar for himself in regards to the relational experience he’s seeking to manifest in this lifetime. In the end, I understand that no relationship is perfect, and I don’t even think that’s the point of any relationship at all; but definitely two people who are consciously willing to get together and commit to loving each other to the best of their continuously growing ability –due to their consistent practice, of course– can have a profound impact on setting the example and paving the path for those to follow.
May we all prosper by Thy grace… And so it shall be.
With love & respect,
MaLe Corona <3