In my head our relationship wasn’t over, even when he hadn’t called me or replied to the last text I had sent him three weeks before. I mean, this same pattern had been going on for three years, he was an emotionally unavailable man and every single time we started to get more intimate he’d withdraw sometimes for a week or two, sometimes for 30 days, once he even ghosted me for six months. So there was I, convincing myself this was totally normal and that I had to be compassionate and patient, because maybe one day —yeah, right— he would finally realize I was the woman of his dreams and he’d give me that ring to make me his forever.
And since the universe became aware I was not planning to let go, it just sent me straight to crash and burn once and for all. Casually —or shall I say, “causally”— I was driving down a street and there he was…. the man I though was still my boyfriend…. with another…. woman. Walking down the sidewalk like they were in their freaking honey moon. I froze, and clumsily honked the car’s horn like I was trying to prevent a dog from been run over, my ex and the lady turned around and saw me staring at them like an owl. And I have to tell you my eyes are rather big, but that day they felt like two golf balls about to come out of their orbits, my jaw dropped. And all he did was smile at me and wave, like he was Miss Universe! … And oh God, that’s not all…. my next reaction was the best…. I gave them a peace & love sign with my hand, I swear! I stayed frozen staring at them for what felt like 5 more minutes, but must have been less than 30 seconds, and drove away as soon as I received the first brain signal after having suffered a mini stroke.
That day something broke within me and I knew it was time to move on, not because I didn’t love him anymore, but precisely because I still did… way. too. much.
I still love that man. He’s one of the reasons why I do the work I do now. Because ironically, my chaotic relationship with him helped me see how awesome men are, and how much they’re also very wounded by the gender dynamics that currently rule the world.
And you might be wondering why I didn’t stay and ‘helped him out‘. I’m a Male Wholeness Coach after all, right?
Well first of all, I wasn’t a coach at the time and second, even if I had been one, I have learned from experience that you can’t really support anyone who doesn’t wanna be supported. And he definitely didn’t want to change the way he was doing things… three years, same freaking pattern, I changed a lot during those 1,095 days and it wasn’t enough to inspire him. I had burned my bridges by the time. I had to leave. Sometimes love has to release those we adore the most, because when we cling to them we’re getting in the way of their path to evolution. Sometimes we’re not the ones meant to transform them, but we can certainly keep loving them, keep praying for them and on a soul level that has a tremendous impact on their healing.
So here it is: the letter I wrote my ex and never sent.
I have very good reasons to hate you, despise you, curse at you, and even make memes of you. But I won't. I have very good reasons to think you're just like all men out there and to even hate all men because of you. But I won't. I have very good reasons to feel like a victim and to think the lives of all women are miserable because of the fact that there are guys like you in the world. BUT. I. WON'T.
For every single day you ghosted me, for every single time you cheated on me, for every single time you were grouchy, rude and even abusive to me, I choose to love the hell out of you. I choose to love you harder than I ever did. I choose to pray for you every single night even if you didn't ask me to. I choose to cherish, appreciate and respect all men on your behalf with all my heart. I choose to be an example of healing to wounded women. I choose to not be part of the problem, because I'd rather be part of the solution. I choose love, not fear.
And I want you to know that I believe in you. That the role you were playing with me was very small compared to your greatness, King. And I know you will get tired of it, sooner than later. And I hold that vision of you in my heart, that's how I will always remember you, like the best motherf*cking version of yourself that I never got to meet in person but that I know is meant to emerge.
With deep love & respect,
MaLe Corona <3